I’ve had quite a week, quite a month, emotions fluctuate but I’ve been able to keep them high and regain positivity quickly after a set back or moment of insecurity. I’ve been struggling with motivation. Speaking to friends who also went through the layoff, we have similar feelings, all of us. It’s like this blanket feeling of overwhelm and waiting for disappointment in the future and what’s the point of working so hard like we did previously which is making it difficult for all of us to get back into that hustle and rebuild mood. Plus I feel there’s a tinge of embarrassment with all of us, more now that we allowed ourselves to be treated so poorly by bad people and leaders at a workplace and we continued to care so much. Like a true toxic relationship. I don’t want to carry those feelings into my new workplace, I don’t want to be scared to be in an office alone with a colleague, I don’t want to feel like I always have to say the “right” thing or be chastised. I don’t want to be picked on, I don’t want to be used for my intelligence and then have that intelligence disrespected in other ways once they get my work from me and take it as their own. I know that I feel guilty about it because my new work place is a happy place with great people who are supportive and I’m not giving the best of myself because of my recent scars.
Earlier this week I went on a walk with my best friend, my beast and she brought her dog with her and we walked along the seawall. She was laid off as well and has found a new position already and is doing great there and she still has the same feelings and insecurities. It’s taking a toll on all of us. She picked up iced caramel macchiatos with coconut milk (tall instead of grande, it was later in the day) instead of doing our wine walk. We were sharing feelings and talking ourselves out of our slumps and by the end of the walk, we had plans made to turn into action which I did this past week. An example, I went to the branch and chatted with the staff and did a virtual meeting at the branch and it felt really nice. It felt good to get dressed up, make myself look nice and professional and go start building relationships with the branch staff. I took my flyers there so they can be set up and I can start promoting myself and re-grow my book of business. I feel more motivated now. I plan to continue and do two days per week to start, add a third day if things go well; not full days, but half days. I worry about leaving Hanky and Christopher because I love spending time at home with them and want to be able to take Hank for all his walks during the day but also I need to be more present at work and grow at a more rapid pace (although Christopher and my bosses tell me I’m doing great and need to be less hard on myself). Now is the time of year when typically you get the most business because people are thinking about their finances so it’s the time to get moving. I’m going to work really hard this year and see where I end up in December. Sometimes I think I have lost the love I used to have and then when I meet with clients, I just love it again. Same with teaching. I get nervous before each class, I haven’t taught in a year, plus I haven’t taught in person in five years but then I have so much adrenaline and feel so great after class. So I guess I do love my work and now I have a good place of work to do my work and they deserve to have me at my best. I also took a writing class last week because I’ve been thinking more about writing a short book. I remember writing a few when I was younger (I wish I had them still!) and it’s a thought I’ve always had. I think what holds me back is judgement but I need to let that go. The judgement I’m worried about oddly isn’t from the friends and family in my life but former people in my life, or old high school mates or former teammates and why these people can still cause this anxiety is beyond my reasoning. I shouldn’t be worried at all. And perhaps I get a few details incorrect and have a revisionist history but that’s what time does. They would be my memories, my feelings, so nothing would be inaccurate from that lens. In my life now, I’m able to take accountability and recognize that I made mistakes as a kid, a teenager, in my twenties, yesterday… and just because I was like that when I was younger doesn’t mean I am that person today. Same with the kids I went to school with or former teammates, they may have said and done bad things or things that hurt me back then but that doesn’t mean they are those people now. They could be, but I doubt it. I’d like to believe that’s not the case. It doesn’t change the way I was hurt and that I hurt others. Those things happened and I can genuinely say I’m sorry and accept I did and said unkind things. I told my friend I was thinking of writing a book and I have two main ideas. The first, I’ve always wanted to write out my embarrassing stories or funny moments, a little self deprecating and this was something I did start to write and wrote a lot about in my twenties but I ended up throwing it away at some point. I was probably worried I would die and people would find it. I worry about that a lot actually. If I die, the things people would find. I don’t want there to be anything shocking and I wouldn’t want to have people’s opinions of me change. I think people would be surprised to know how deeply depressed I’ve been in the past and how deep I get in my depression and the thoughts I’ve had. I know that I would not take action on these thoughts but I feel them and I feel like I have to have them in order to move on from them if that makes sense. The source of my anxiety is not feeling good enough and abandonment. It always circles down the drain to those two feelings. That’s the fear deep within me. The second book idea is a book about Hanky and his adventures. A children’s book I guess, I would like photos, some rhymes, some poems inside and feature his fun life. It’s snowing today and I took a fun video of him running around!

He’s the cutest! I can’t upload the video because I don’t have premium but it will be on his youtube channel – Hankthecitypug.
He ran into this middle area of the road and immediately got the zoomies and started sprinting around but is still attached to the leash. He basically sprinted in a circle and looked like the swings at the PNE getting air at some points. He’s so funny and he loves the snow. I carry a small face towel with me in case I need to wipe his paws because they get cold. I remember Pedro used to stop and hold up one of his paws and it would shake a little from the cold so I would pick him up, hold him and wipe it. Eventually he would be okay. He refused to wear the little booties (several pairs!) that we would buy for him to protect his paws. He was a silly and funny pug too. I miss him so much still.

I still have some of my french projects in my storage locker and I’m going to read it again and check it out. I can’t find my old book where I would draw and write, I think eventually I threw it away too probably in a moment of trying to move on. I need to dig into my memory bank and extract these stories.