I had written a previous post but must not have published it.. hmm.. those thoughts are gone now!

It’s Festivus today! If you don’t know, you should. Seinfeld is my all time favorite show, it’s still relevant today and it’s a festivus for the rest of us where we get to air our grievances for the year. How fabulous. I have lots of grievances this year. Up until a few days ago, I was having so much anxiety and it felt paralyzing. I was worrying about the affects of my sexual assault and harassment. Even writing it feels weird like I don’t want to say it out loud. I am afraid of the retaliation, of not being believed, of blaming myself, of ruining my career and my husband’s career over coming forward and speaking up. I’ll never know if it’s true or not, my former company would never admit it but my gut feeling is I was part of the layoffs in the summer because I had come forward and was then perceived as a problem. I was also sharing a little, the smallest little bit about what happened to me to a few people and I’m guessing that wasn’t in my favor either. I told my director about it while coming back from my leave and looking for a safe place to return to, instead I was met with cold eyes, no heart and she never spoke a word to me again after that day of confession. Recently I was having terrible thoughts, like am I the problem, did I do the right thing, what was the point of coming forward, is my husband upset with me… does he believe me, does he think it’s my fault, does it count. I saw my therapist and brought it up to her, and we recounted the events and she assured me that absolutely it counts and it’s as bad as it was. I was a meltdown with my husband and sobbed in his arms for a while, and I confirmed to me that I absolutely did the right thing and he’s proud of me. They are bad people, I did nothing wrong and they make it difficult for people to come forward. It was a good thing what I did and that I stood up for myself. I feel so much lighter since speaking with my husband. I’m happy to relieve myself of the stress and the self doubt, especially before we spend Christmas with his family. I’m happy to be away from the former employer and most definitely the soulless people who are still there. I’m moving on and away, far away, not looking back. They didn’t deserve me for the time I was there, and they don’t deserve anything from me now. Anybody who treats someone the way I was treated after speaking up and out about sexual assault and harassment by a colleague is a vile, heartless and disgusting human. I am going to enjoy holiday time with my husband, my pug, his family, my family and our friends feeling free and happy.