I’m back. I took some time off, or not time off really but I haven’t thought about writing anything. As I write this, I’m binging Love Is Blind, Season 7.
I went with my bestie to shop for furniture last weekend and find a couch. Waiting in line for an hour, got into the warehouse sale, looked around for an hour and then we grabbed lunch from the grilled cheese food truck in the parking lot and scarfed them in her car. We came back to my place, grabbed little Hanky and went to Nook for happy hour. We got there and realized we were so tired lol had two drinks and some dessert then parted ways.

On the way home from the furniture store, I looked left and saw a Las Vegas sign and I thought what is that?? Turns out it’s a new donut shop called Vegas Donuts and they give out samples which are basically a normal sized donut. They were so yummy but you must eat them the same day. They don’t last well to the following day.

Last weekend I was supposed to do the Butterfly run and also go to a corporate fun event and to my monthly poker night but on Thursday morning I was brushing my teeth and now realize that I am old. I pulled something in my lower back, on the right side. Christopher ordered me one of those theraguns and it won’t be here until next week. I can still feel it pulling a little but at least I can move now. I needed to cancel all my plans over the weekend and I could only rest and take baths and wait for my body to allow movement.

When I could move again, Chris took me to Seasons for a nice lunch, it’s where we got married. We sat outside on the patio and enjoyed drinks and snacks.

I met with some clients last week too. And it was so humbling. I have always hoped that people would appreciate the work I do for them and the thought I put into helping them, and to hear some clients say it and the kindness of their words and wanting to continue our relationship has made me feel so good about myself and so grateful. I can’t wait to see more. The clients who are deciding to stay with my previous organization, I’m sad about it but I feel like in time, once they get the poor service and realize how much I did for them, they will reach out. Or when they find out about the organization’s plans for them and their funds, they will reach out. At minimum, I hope they go somewhere else. They deserve the good service. They deserve to be cared about and have something thinking about their best interests. I’m open to helping all of them now and in the future. I care about these people.

I was chatting with my therapist, I like how I say chatting like a casual meeting but I mean I had an appointment with my therapist and I was telling her how I have all these plans in my mind and I have a vision of this great me living this great life. And then I don’t do any of those things. It plays out to perfection in my brain. And I think, what if I just spent one week working on this brain life I have, what’s the worst that can happen? what if all my dreams come true? what if it turns out exactly how I have it in my mind and I’m super happy? but what if it doesn’t? I want to tell Christopher about it, and I hold back. I know Christopher would support anything, I know he would never leave me but still there’s this nagging thing like what if he knows even more about me and then decides, no I’m bored, I want to go. I feel like I have no feelings. I feel this sense of dullness. Nothing seems to make me happy even though I know it does make me happy but the emotion is missing somehow. I’m just living but I want to live. My therapist says it sounds like Anhedonia. And it’s a common sub-type of depression. I don’t think I’m depressed but I feel depressed in the sense of not feeling happy when I’m doing the things that make me happy. Today, I woke up and went for a walk and listened to a podcast that I enjoy. I’ve been wanting to walk in the mornings so that’s something in the right direction. Then we took Hanky to Port Moody and went to caffe divano which was delicious. We are going to make burgers tonight while watching hockey. All things I love. I have a concert tomorrow night with three girlfriends and a fun dinner and we will have a great time and then I still need to figure out the salad for Thanksgiving dinner on Monday. I’ll sort that out. The trees have changed colors and it’s looking gorgeous outside. I need to focus on the positive things and what makes me feel god and eventually I will feel that. Intrinsically, the feelings will follow my thoughts. We will see what next week brings.