I’m hanging out with Hanky, watching Gossip Girl on Netflix. So many things that I forgot. I forgot how much I love Blair and Chuck. So toxic yet totally belong together, great characters. I took Hanky to visit one of our good friends today. She’s not doing well, she feels defeated. We met at my old employment, she hasn’t worked there for a couple years. She had also taken a leave for mental health. She could only do six months of leave because of affordability and she had to go back to work even though she wasn’t ready. It was very hard for her. Work, home life, all of it at the time was extremely difficult for her. I remember back then, I didn’t know the things I know now about the situation. I remember laughing, not at her but with her as she probably laughed instead of cried. I was laughing because she stories she was telling me about what she was dealing with at work were so ridiculous. Like she was actually fighting with someone over a parking spot as this long-time employee thought she owned a parking spot and my friend unknowingly parked in it as she arrived early to the location. There was a serious fight about this, it went to management and then the manager continued to ask my friend about it and then that manager told my friend’s manager who then asked her about it and it was the most ridiculous thing. And it didn’t stop, for months. It was a wild time. And then there was more, similar kind of stories, and my friend was keeping track of it all in a journal. She cracked finally telling her manager in yet another meeting about how she’s been keeping track of all these events and how she’s been spoken to and treated at work by these other employees. The next week they laid her off. It was awful. I remember her calling me at 4pm that day, right when it happened. She hadn’t even left the location yet. She called me and said she just got fired. And she would call me later. She did, distraught, upset. She worked there for seven years. She was great at her work. She met all her targets. She could have been slightly more polite, she can be sharp with her words, emails. But her intentions are amazing and she worked very hard to help educate the staff and share her ideas and her knowledge. She’s so giving. She was under appreciated, deemed disposable. It was crushing for her and her family. She’s the breadwinner. She takes such great care of her family, she’s such a great human. She took some time and then she did another job (quite frankly, much beneath her talents and abilities) and then got hired by a new financial institution and she was really excited. She liked the recruitment process, they seemed very supportive…. and then…. an error occurred, a misunderstanding and they told her she had the bare minimum time to get some courses done and she did, she did them all! She needed one more week and they said no to her, they told her she needed to get it done on time and she had 5 days to find a new placement within the company or she would be out of the company. How stressful! She was losing her mind. She was worried about her family. About herself. Thankfully in the short time she had been there, she had made good relationships with people who see the value in her and was able to secure a position. At the time, it was great, she was so. happy to have the help. Now, it’s been several months, and she’s realizing that maybe it wasn’t such a blessing after all. She’s dealing with “cunt flowers” (her words) and a manager who is blaming and throwing things on her that have nothing to do with her job. She was told that she’s been giving too much advice and sending too many referrals. Basically, she’s too good for this job. She is too good. So Hank and I took her a scone from Purebread and a donut from Cartem’s. We put a couple cute stickers on a little card with some nice words so she knows how loved she is. She will look for a new job and I hope she gets one where they appreciate her talents and abilities. She said she defeated and that she doesn’t have the fight in her anymore and she’s so tired. She looked awful. It was awful hearing and seeing her like this. I will shower her with the love she deserves as my good friend.

I totally understand where she’s coming from. I know the feeling of being depressed. I try to battle it away constantly. I took time off for myself and my own depression which I’ve been denying forever. And I have the feeling like I’m not allowed to feel depressed, like I have to be strong and I could just feel that it was hurting my husband that I was depressed like I needed to hurry up and feel better. And get back to work only to be laid off once I finally settled in like okay I’ll just suffer here for the next while and I’ll get over it and give in and just accept being miserable at this place because it’s more awkward to leave the place where my husband works and boom, all that doesn’t matter anymore. And I felt relief. Such relief. Like I couldn’t make the decision myself and my spirit circle had to intervene. I’m grateful. I enjoy my work and I’m good at it and I like the clients I work with and I know that I can give about 10 years, maybe 15 because that’s what the current retirement transition plan says I have to work and then I’m out. I’m going to work at a bakery or a coffee shop. I will save all the money I can. I don’t know what Chris is going to do, I know he will find something and I hope that it’s fulfilling. I want him to be really happy, like really happy. I hope I make him happy. Really happy. And I support him. Two depressed souls connecting on this Earth together. Formerly depressed. But does it ever go away? It’s haunting and it comes back any time, mostly at inconvenient times and it gets you. It gets you so bad. You feel like nothing and you wonder what the F am I even doing here or with my life? would people really care or miss me if I was gone? Why does everyone hate me? Am I really that bad of a person? What have I done to deserve this? Why are people mad at me? I was just working hard, I swear I’m trying to be a nice person and that’s probably my problem. Trying to conform and trying to please people who have no significant affect on my life. I noticed the other day too that my tattoo on my side is fading. It’s fifteen years old so I guess that makes sense. Watching Gossip Girl makes me wish I was in New York. I love New York City. Such a happy place. We are both so happy there. Maybe we should go back. Maybe we should plan a trip while he’s off work and I’m just starting and we can spend a week there. I will have to limit my shopping, I’m sure I can, I just want to walk around Central Park and the city streets. Hold Christopher’s hand, have drinks on rooftops. Get nice coffee. Live the best life we can. Everything is good as long as we are together. And with Hanky. And we have the best families, so supportive. And amazing friends. I need to focus on all these great things that I am so fortunate to have. The crazy thing is knowing all of that and feeling unworthy. Feeling like you’re not worth having these great people in your life. Not every day, just the bad days. I want to have more good than bad. With effort, I try to think about all the good things. Whenever I’m feeling unwell, I focus on the good things. It helps. It always helps. And I snuggle Hanky and Christopher. And it turns out that I should be doing that right now. So night night, heading for snuggles.