We took Hanky to the farmer’s market yesterday; it runs until October but we felt like this weekend would probably be the last of all the nice fruit and berries. The tomatoes are going insane – they look delicious and are everywhere. No peaches 😦
We bought raspberries, tomatoes, cucumber, radish, carrots, beets, and apples. Christopher wanted corn but he had to make an emergency dentist appointment and wouldn’t have been able to eat it. Maybe next week.

Left: Hanky’s fresh veggies roasted for his food. This week I added lamb and he gets one scoop of kibble

Right: Yummy fresh tomato salad!

We are going to Christopher’s parents for dinner. They always send a little menu over which is super cute. His mom is such a great cook and baker. She’s made a blueberry tart for our dessert tonight. His dad said he’s recording the football game so we don’t have to miss any of it. Big ask getting us out on a Sunday! Yesterday, I cleaned out our storage locker, I got to throw away all my old work items (t-shirts, a jacket, a hat, sunglasses, a lawn chair) and that felt great. Don’t need those vibes. I love to organize and I’ve been meaning to head down and do the storage locker all summer. Of course I never did while I had all the free time and it only took an hour but I’m happy it’s done now. Today has just been doing little items. Christopher filling out paperwork and getting things ready for his leave of absence, watching football, trying not to find out the results of the men’s US Open final, cooking Hanky’s food. We went to Kits and got coffee/donuts from Parallel 49 and bought Hanky’s veggies from Lena’s Market. I noticed a new Kit & Ace store pop up in Kits now near the Whole Foods so I’ll have to check it out. They have such comfy work clothes and casual clothes, it’s a wonderful store.
I’m feeling slightly insecure today, probably because my running tights are tight, ugh. Sometimes I feel so unattractive, like I’ve gained so much weight and I know I’m still small but I don’t feel fit or good about myself sometimes. I didn’t have these thoughts growing up, I was so athletic and fit and played so many sports, was always on the go. These thoughts only started creeping up on me a few years ago after my break-up. My break-up with my ex was devastating (now I’m happy about it, obviously and we are both better off but at the time it was painful and surprising) and I went on the break-up diet. You know the one, where you don’t even realize you’re not eating, you’re just crying and trying to live day by day and you’re stressed and confused and straight up struggling each day and then suddenly you’re ridiculously thin without trying or noticing it’s even happened. I remember stepping on a scale, something I rarely do because people kept telling me how great I looked and I lost weight. I was only 125 pounds when my break-up occurred. The scale told me I weighed 95 pounds. Under 100 pounds. I knew then it was bad, unhealthy. My mind was confused because that number didn’t make me feel good and yet everyone was telling me how great I looked. I had never felt worse in my life and people kept commenting on my looks and my body in a positive way. It didn’t match. When I started dating my husband that December, I was maybe 100 pounds and 6 years later, here I am weighing 140 pounds. It’s too high for my height and BMI, I should be between 125-130, that’s my goal weight and when I feel my fittest, strongest. So I feel out of shape and unattractive. It’s also not a crazy weight and I get that and I tell myself that. Nobody looks at me and says “you’re fat!” but it’s the mind fuck of it all because I’m thinking in my brain, you are 40 pounds heavier than when you first started dating Chris, he probably thinks you’re disgusting (he doesn’t). Some days I feel great. Today just isn’t one of those days. And I tell myself in my mind to ignore it and to not feel this way. I could also try losing weight but I don’t even know if it’s the number. It’s more the feeling. I like to describe my fitness as Deceptively Strong. That’s my goal and it’s not what I feel. I go to yoga, often. I need to do some cardio too. I used to be a runner, I loved running. And I live in a city with excellent running areas and beautiful scenery. Sometimes I just don’t want to leave Chris and Hank at home and be out. I want to spend the time with them. And now that I’m working again, I’m wondering when I’ll find the time. But of course I know I can find the time. I just need the thoughts out so they exit the brain and make room for new, better, more positive thoughts. That’s the point of this paragraph. I don’t know what I would have rather had. I enjoyed the compliments at the time and didn’t realize it would have a lasting effect on how I feel about myself now that I’m back to a “normal” size. My soul and my heart was hurting. It’s impossible to keep up with the break-up diet. Eventually you eat again. And then you are happy again. And I can’t give up french fries. Or margaritas. I won’t. And now I wonder if all those people who complimented me for how tiny I was think I’m huge and fat now and wonder, wow what happened to her? I’m very happy, and I’m working through these new insecurities that pop up unannounced every once in a while. I need to focus on the things that make me feel good about myself.
Back to football 🙂